Friday, June 13, 2014

Top 10 signs it's officially summer

10: When your brother wakes you up and yells "LETS PLAY BASEBALL" and then though he takes a line drive directly to the nuts and the whole family is just crying and Uncle Jim gets arrested because of the liquor

9: Granny starts lifting weights outside at 6am because it's nice outside but then you hear mom yell "WHAT THE FUCK?" because Grannies bed is on fire on account of the lit cigarette

8: When my dad bought me roller blades but I was scared to try them, but then my dad yells "WATCH AND LEARN YOU FUCK" and he gets going down the hill 80mph and then you just see a cloud of dust and then an ambulance

7: When you see Uncle Jim pouring the liquor down the sink and he yells "ITS FOR YOUR OWN DAMN GOOD" and then your Granny taking a shovel to the side of his head. Happens every summer hahaha

6: You find out on the news that Jason Spezza wants a trade and then Granny yanks the TV off the wall and chucks it through the neighbours car windshield. That was the fourth time granny was arrested this summer

5: When you see a watermelon truck deliver 4 crates of watermelons followed by a vodka truck deliver 4 crates of vodka and then Uncle Jim walk out in his underwear to sign for it and then he gives the delivery guy a big hug

4: One time it was so hot out so I took off my shorts but forgot that I wasn't wearing underwear and then the girl named Sammie pointed and laughed at my peener

3: When you FINALLY get to wear sandals but then your brother is learning how to drive and he puts the car directly through the living room window pinning Aunt Edna under the car pretty good

2: When you FINALLY get to open the pool but Dad is drunk and electrocutes himself hardcore to the point where he shits himself :(

1: Your first Corona is opened and then you drink 23 more in one sitting and then you put your neighbour in a headlock because he's a fucking asshole.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Thanksgiving is a great time of year. Good food and good company. That's in most households, not mine. Here are some vomit inducing examples:

1) Uncle Ned somehow managed to swallow the turkey wishbone. That wishbone got lodged into his throat and he began choking uncontrollably at the table. Dad tried to step in to help but he only made it worse. All that pressure inside the throat allowed the bone to pierce through which in turn splattered blood all over Aunt Cheryl's face. She looked like that girl Carrie from the movie Carrie. Ned lived, but for some reason he talks like a robot now and when he smokes, it comes out his throat. Very unnerving

2) There was the time the rabid raccoon decided to join us for dinner. Out of no where this little guy jumps on the table drooling up a storm and making funny growling noises. He grabbed the potatoes and went to town on them, and then without warning, he attacked Grandpa Roger, I think without remorse. That was the second time Dad had to shoot his gun that day.

3) And the worst Thanksgiving ever was when Granny brought the dirtiest, most foulest hobo from downtown you've ever seen/smell home for dinner. Granny always had a spot in her heart for those in need and this was the best time of the year to lend a hand and a warm meal. But this little bastard wasn't interested in eating. As soon as he walked in the door he proceeded to take off his pants and have a poop on the living room carpet. Then he yelled " GOOD TUNE MAN" as Rod Stewart was playing. That's when he started dancing....naked. He grabbed Grannies lipstick and started rubbing it all over his face and he kept repeating " NANCY!! WHERE ARE YOU?" over and over again. All the kids were crying due to the paralyzing fear of this situation. Happy Thanksgiving Granny.....whatever

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Horrific Accidents

I am always a little nervous on the bus because the drivers just don't care about speed. This one incident didn't involve speed however, but was just as vicious. You know the middle part of the bus? Well I guess that material isn't very strong. It started making a funny noise, it kinda sounded like a million people all screaming at once. Everyone was looking at each other concerned, when all of a sudden, it ripped apart. The 4 people sitting in those middle seats were gone in seconds, unheard from again. The front of the bus kept on going, but the back of the bus went on a journey to hell. The sparks burnt the first 4 rows of people to a crisp, and the rest of us had to jump out the back onto oncoming traffic. Some people made it....and some didn't.

One time Granny brought us sledding. We thought it was weird when she woke us up in the middle of the night to do it, but what ever, we were kids. Of course, Granny was on her usual Scotch and Gin at the time, so we weren't surprised to see Granny go down on the the GT Snow Racer backwards. She yelled "Watch and learn you pussies", but that is the last thing she yelled that night. She had to be going at least 80mph when she hit a rut, and she completely rag-dolled. It took them 4 hours to dig her out and they had to amputate the leg that night. Oh Granny!

My dad was a carpenter. One summer he decided to fix the roof of our house. So, he bolted the ladder onto the deck so that he could go up and down many times during the day. Well, me and my brother would always get up there and a few times we almost fell off. So, like any good dad, he took the bolts out. Well one day he was up there and it started to rain. He quickly ran to the ladder to get down. My mom was inside on the phone and happened to glance out the window just in time to see my dad go down. He took out the whole deck with his body. I ran out and yelled "DAD??" and all he said was "Just get me my fucking smokes". HE funny :)

Of course, I made all of this up, and its really just the script to Final Destination part 14....or is it? HAPPY HALLOWEEN.....wait

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Reasons My Dog Attacks Me

5- For fun, I walk up behind him, and I scare the living shit out of him. Out of being scared, I guess he tries to protect himself because he just goes to town on me. Bites, scratches, you name it.

4- When he's eating, I yell " HEY WHISKERS, LOOK OVER THERE", and as he looks I start eating his food. He gives me this look like he's saying "Thanks, i've been waiting a long time for this", and he just goes to town on me. That's the time I lost my big toe.

3- The time he had rabies, he attacked me for no reason whatsoever, so i'm not sure what that was about.

2- When I called his friend "Little Shit Head", he defended his honor by giving me the beating of a life time. That is the time he dragged me into a field and actually tried to bury me. Scary stuff

1- Granny used to train Whiskers to fetch her a beer from the fridge. But when there were no beers left, because Granny lost track, she lost it. She yelled "KILL", which I guess was a command to the dog, because I was badly injured that day. It took a fire hose to finally get Whiskers off me, and Granny locked her self in her room for a week, probably out of shame.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

My Second Day of School

So, as previously stated, my FIRST day of school wasn't great. But if you thought that was bad, read THIS.

My second day of school got off on the wrong foot...literally. When I stepped out of bed, I pushed off with my left foot instead of the usual right. This threw my balance off and I started stumbling. I went right out the second story window and landed on my head. I was diagnosed with a GRADE 3 SECOND/34TH SPINE FRACTURE, or something like that. It was a horrific scene.

Well...that's pretty much it, you don't really go to school after an incident like that. At least I got to watch Uncle Buck in the hospital room, so that was kinda cool.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

My Worst Jobs...EVER

1) Pulling on my dad's finger when he needs to release gas. A fart essentially. I took it seriously, but everyone would laugh when he did it. Also, when I didn't get paid after 2 weeks of torture, I put plastic wrap over the toilet seat. And then I pulled his finger again. No one laughed after that. I was fired.

2) Being Mike Tyson's sparing partner. I lasted one punch. The left side of my face was caved in and I was eating through a straw for about a year. Worst part of it was...it wasn't even Mike Tyson. I was lying. It was a horse named Horace who kicked my head in after my parents neglected watching me. Or at least that's what child services said.

3) Cleaning Granny's dentures. It was sick, like I mean vomit sick. One day I put hot sauce on them because Granny was pissing me off. She didn't even react. I think because she was drunk. When she gave me only one quarter, I gave her the finger, and I quit.

4) Working at Hortons. My very first shift, I badly burned a client with a fresh pot of coffee and I got caught eating the left over honey crullers in front of customers. I didn't care anyways because they were pricks. Who throws out donuts anyways??? I was fired.

5) Sucking farts out of bus seats? Okay, even at the time I thought it was sketchy. I should have known Adam, my hockey teammate, wasn't a real employer. Hind sight is 20/20 my friends. I barely sucked any out anyways. I was just playing along...

Monday, August 1, 2011

Why I'll Never Go Camping Again

5) When I was sitting in a fold out chair by the campfire, my leg fell asleep and made it's way to said fire. It took me 5 minutes to realize I could see bone. Talk about well-done (i'm being sarcastic, I was actually badly burned and was told i'll never properly walk again. So, pretty serious stuff).

4) Of course, mom and dad picked a camp site on a hill, so guess what happened next? That's right, clumsy old me tripped and rolled violently to the bottom. My parents were sleeping, so I was down there for a good two days till they found me. I think every mosquito in existence had a bite. I was quite ripe by the time I went home.

3) Getting attacked by Jason Vorhees was the single most terrifying moment of my life.

2) Uncle Charles got drunk and decided to play with some illegal fireworks. I'm talking hand grenades. By the end, half the campsite was charred and Granny was missing. Man, those things are LOUD. Who knew?

1) After dad took a number 2 in a "OUTHOUSE", he didn't even flush and I was overcome by the smell and the amount he pooped. It was a massive pile. I couldn't fucking believe it. He must have had some tummy ache before....since he clearly had about 50 pounds of shit in him.

For these reasons, and these reasons alone, i'll never camp again.